My friend (and owner of a fabulous private community for adoptive parents and hopeful adoptive parents) Joanne has a terrific post about one aspect of adoption language and its effect on a child of adoption.

Here’s an excerpt of a letter Joanne sent to her daughter’s Girl Scout leader a couple of months ago:

“Shawna told me about the stockings and that it was said in meeting that the troop is “adopting” two children for the holidays. I explained to her that the correct term to use in a case like this is “sponsoring”. I’m wondering if you can bring this up on Tuesday because using the word “adopting” (when clearly the troop is not adopting two children) sends mixed messages (not only to adoptees but society at large) as to what adoption actually is. Most people (unless you’ve adopted like us or are an adoptee like Shawna), don’t give it much though until someone points it out.”

You can read the Girl Scout leader’s positive response and the ensuing discussion at Forever Parents.

I see Adopt-a-Highway signs on my way to my kids’ school each day and haven’t given it much thought. I guess I’ll be writing a letter to my city council. I hope to advocate for my kids as well as Joanne does.

There is no consensus about ethnic titles. Is “African-American” an inclusive term, with the emphasis on “American”? Does “Mexican-American” create a divide just by using the “Mexican” prefix?

There is no consensus about adoption titles, either. Is the woman who gives birth but doesn’t parent a “birth mother”? A biological mother? Just a mother? Or is there some better term?

There is no definitive answer that ruffles no feathers. But let’s explore some commonly used titles.

• Birth parents: Not accurate for a father — he doesn’t give birth. Too limited for many mothers — they contribute much more than labor and delivery. There’s prenatal care, and a loving, painful decision to place a child. Also, “birthmother” could imply that I’m a “death mother.” Yuk. Still, it is an understood term, not heinous to most firstparents I hear from, and I occasionally use it to be understood.
• Biological mother: limits my children’s firstparents’ role to that of DNA providers. In fact, Crystal and Michele have much more significance than that to us. They made decisions during and after their pregnancies that show they are much more than egg donors. Just too clinical.
• Natural parents: could imply I’m an unnatural mom.
• Real mom: so who changed all those diapers and woke up in the middle of all those nights to sooth — Fake Mom?

I like Firstparent. It is clear. It honors the people who gave my children life. And it does nothing to diminish my role in their lives — their Mom. And I don’t believe it implies that I am second. Rather, it denotes that I am last. Rob may not have been my first love, but he was my last. Last is good.

No matter what your intentions, never abbreviate BM for birthmother. No one likes to be equated with excrement, no matter how innocent the intentions. Instead, if you are limited on keystrokes: bmom or bdad.

Please note that these terms are accurate only when referring to parents who have relinquished. Prior to relinquishment, a pregnant woman is simply an expectant mother (no matter what your agency tells you). Use of the term birthmother — even when prefixed with the word prospective — to describe a pregnant woman who might choose adoption is considered coercive. It’ s not until she legally surrenders her role as parent that she should have any prefixes attached to her title at all.

(This entry was originally posted as a guest post on Stirrup Queens as part of Geohde’s Great Blog Cross-Pollination.)

Because I have chatted with some of you, I know that many readers here are looking for travel brochures to Adoption World or are considering relocating there. Periodically I’m going to write about adoption language and why I choose some words and phrases over others.

The first phrase is give up for adoption (and variations). And here’s the conversation I never want to have.

“Mom, why did Michele give me up?”

“Well, she loved you very much. In fact, she loved you so much that she found Daddy and me to be your forever parents.”

“She loved me so much that she gave me away?”

“Well…not exactly…”

“If she loved me less, would she have kept me?”

“That’s not what I meant…”

“And through the rest of my life, should I be afraid of anyone loving me too much because then they will reject me?”

“Let’s start over, Reed.”

Some may call it semantics or political correctness, but I DO have reasons for choosing certain words and phrases and rejecting others. In this case, I prefer made an adoption plan to gave up for adoption.

First of all, made an adoption plan implies conscious thought. Michele thought about her baby as she decided what to do (more on Reed’s story ). She was aware of him. She planned the best future possible for him, given the resources available to her at the time. She was not forced out of parenting him (although this does happen in some cases, which I’m told is devastating for a child to realize).

And more importantly, it doesn’t include rejection. Gave you up and gave you away are inherently rejective (to make up a word). And they could make the child feel like an old toy or an outgrown article of clothing, a toss-away. Imagine if you lived your life thinking you really weren’t worth keeping.

It’s not such a leap from she loved you so much she gave you up to big love = rejection. This is NOT a belief I want to impart to either of my children.

I want them to know that their firstmoms loved them enough to make a difficult choice. I want them to go through their lives fully capable of giving and receiving love. I’d rather have THIS conversation.

“Mom, why did Michele do adoption with me?”

“Michele loves you so much. She knew back then that she wasn’t ready to be a mommy to any baby. Even though she really wanted to be with you, she made a plan to make sure you had parents who were ready to take care of you.”

“That’s you and Daddy?”

“Yup. You have so many grown-ups who have loved you from the very beginning. You are so lovable! (devolve into a tickle session.)”

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Other terms I plan to cover:

• “birthmom”
• “our” birthmother
• the birthmom “changed her mind”
• “He is adopted.”
• “a child of my own”
• “born in my heart”

Please let me know if there are any others you’d like me to have addressed.

I’m honored that Jenna and Pamela Jeanne have included me in a fabulous group of women who have been awarded the Blogger Flame of Fortitude. Jenna created this award to recognized our battle scars, our victories, our defeats and our courage in facing infertility.

I now pass the torch to Furrow, Yoka and Lea Bea and Niobe. Let’s keep on supporting and keep on going, no matter what.